When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.