Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
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I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!