If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you