#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish