[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*looks at you in batman voice*
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.