*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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My kitchen overserved me.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Order here:
More here:
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]