*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Easy enough.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Welcome to the stomach
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so