Easy enough.
You Might Also Like
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’ll be mad as hell!
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.