any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Dear Lord..