Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.