Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.