*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand