Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
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I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t