I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”