If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.