I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.