I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
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Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone