God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
so this horse walks into a bar
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?