Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I put the hot in psychotic.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.