@VibesBummer The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
@ashley_barnhill My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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@VibesBummer 
@_TayTayJustine Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
@PinkCamoTO I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
@thepunningman Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
@neiltyson Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
@bloodyanxious Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
@UncleDuke1969 I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
@Shanehasabeard “Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
@KeetPotato me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”