My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
my first day as a raccoon
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis