The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”