my first day as a raccoon
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Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.