@AndyJokedAgain

my first day as a raccoon

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@liljonlovitz

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

@TheAndrewNadeau

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

@junejuly12

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

@noog

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

@audipenny

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

@impaulmccoy

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

@FatherWithTwins

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books