my first day as a raccoon

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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it


DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?


Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.


The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?


I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff


Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?


“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi


Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.


I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons


Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books