I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*