Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see