My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.