People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
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Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher