This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
So true for me
Ferrari squats
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake