My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
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One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Me buying fruit and veg
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
This is Sparta
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.