I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant