Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work