“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
saw this in a dream
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.