*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
For those that worship cheese..
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.