Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
What if the weather talks about us?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
What a year we’ve had this week.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
birds and squirrels envy us
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.