Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Autocarrot sucks!
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit