this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
You Might Also Like
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me too, bag. Me too….
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.