Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You Might Also Like
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Software Development ⛵️
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby