My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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Expectations vs. Reality
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.