There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine