Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus