The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
You Might Also Like
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I’m Sold!
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
NASA has no chill
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I’m not stressed
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”