Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
#CatsOnTwitter
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
A bold strategy
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss