I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that