CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
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I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?