Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
When they try to steal your moment.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream