To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*