Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”