me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
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This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?