me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.