[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.