Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
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The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*