When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.