imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
You Might Also Like
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags